Why Squirrels Don't Stage Coordinated Attacks on Humans (Yet)
Why don't squirrels stage coordinated attacks on humans? We asked AI. The answer is surprisingly thoughtful.
By Eric Kasimov — Eric Kasimov is the founder of QuietLoud Studios.
Ever have a completely random question that you can’t stop thinking about? We throw these thoughts at AI and share the surprisingly thoughtful answers. Here’s what happened when we wondered about squirrel warfare.
Random thought I had when I saw a squirrel dart behind a tree…
Random question… why don’t squirrels attack people? I mean, it’s probably happened here and there, very occasionally. Like what if squirrels just turned on people and said screw it, we’re jumping on top of you from trees and, if anything, there’s not much you could do to stop it. It would probably be short-lived cause eventually, people in animal control, and guns would probably take out most of the squirrel population, but for a good month, squirrels could really cause a lot of problems for people. Why don’t they do it? Is there something in them that just doesn’t allow them to do it, or what if they rally together, and maybe in 100 years, they figure it out, cause there’s gotta be a way. It’s not to say I’m rooting for squirrels, but you know what I mean.
Claude’s take:
Squirrels actually do occasionally attack people, but it’s pretty rare and usually happens when they’re rabid, protecting babies, or have been fed by humans so much they’ve lost their natural fear. There have been documented cases - like in 2019 when an aggressive squirrel in New York terrorized park-goers for weeks before being captured.
But you’re right that a coordinated squirrel uprising would be genuinely problematic, at least initially! The main reasons they don’t go full guerrilla warfare on us are pretty practical:
Their brains are wired for individual survival, not collective strategy. Squirrels are naturally skittish because that’s what kept their ancestors alive - the cautious ones survived while the bold ones became hawk food. They’ve evolved to see large mammals (like us) as potential predators, so their instinct is flight, not fight.
Plus, we’re just not worth the energy expenditure from their perspective. A squirrel attacking a human burns calories they need for finding nuts and staying warm, with very little chance of success. It’s like a motorcycle trying to take on a semi truck - even if you win, you’re probably not walking away intact.
The closest thing to your scenario actually happens sometimes with troops of monkeys in places like India or Gibraltar, where they do occasionally band together to raid tourists or raid food sources. But even then, it’s more opportunistic mischief than coordinated warfare.
Though I have to admit, the mental image of squirrels holding strategy meetings in oak trees is pretty entertaining. “Operation Acorn Storm commences at dawn!”
More about squirrels:
American Kennel Club: Why Is My Dog Fascinated by Birds, Squirrels, and Others?
Treehugger: Where Did City Squirrels Come From?